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PREACHING TO THE CHOIR

You always know when you're close to something when chaos seems to intensify. This past week has been emotionally draining. Its been an accumulation of several issues coiled tightly into one. I've felt relief in places where I would normally feel shame. And shame in places that I have no control or say over. It sucks tremendously when you're put in a situation where you feel helpless and then forced to watch it play it...play by play!!!

In times like this its easy to lose sight...keep the faith and hold tight!

I'M JUST SAYIN...

HOME SWEET HOME

It ain’t nothing like going back home. Every time I touch down in the ‘Ville (Nashville) I breathe a sigh of relief and a slight smile always breaks through my even tempered demeanor. Preparation for a special occasion has been under way for several months now and this weekend it will all come together. One of my good friends is getting married this weekend to another good friend and I am so ecstatic to be a part of their celebration. To be able to see the early stages of this manuscript unfold into this beautiful novel is truly a work of art. Whenever I have doubts or second guess marriage their love re-affirms my belief in it. Words can’t fully express what this does for me but one thing is for sure, love is such a beautiful things.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Watkins

Thank you for giving me another reason to come back home.

I'M JUST SAYIN...

©NEECHI/2010

WAIT...PERIOD!!!

I’m in a calm place right now. Can’t exactly explain it, but I’m even cooler, calmer and collected than usual. Since turning 30 on the 18th of May, this has been the lane I’ve been riding in. One might question if this is the quiet before the storm, while I just bask in the peacefulness. I’m not really searching for an explanation or reason why, I’m just enjoying the fact that it’s here. I’m a firm believer that an explanation is not needed for everything. Sometimes you just have to appreciate and roll with the punches. I think I’ve battled so much, for so long with my inner thoughts, that peace right now is well welcomed. It’s a house guest that can stay as long as it wishes.

I’ve over thought issues and made them into things they weren't more times than I’d care to count. I’ve entertained things in the name of trying “something new” only to have them back fire. I’ve tried to proceed forward when the caution lights were telling me to slow down and turn back. I’ve even played myself, got irate, said I wouldn’t do it again, only to play myself several times more. I’ve done a lot to myself without even the help of anyone else. Whew. You can say what you don’t want to do all day long, but until you make it up in your mind, the change will never happen. So, now that I’m past that particular mile marker on this journey, I’m peacefully waiting for what’s up next. It's hard to explain but easy to understand...NOW!!!

I'M JUST SAYIN...

©NEECHI/2010

THE "DURTY THIRTIES"

Well. Well. Well. As the clock reads 12:07 am it’s apparent that I have officially exited my twenties and walked right into my “durty thirties.” This birthday is starting out rather different than those in the past. For starters, I’m very calm. My only anxiousness was seeing the clock roll from 11:21:37 pm to 12:00 am in which I missed while watching Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith on Oprah. My friends and I all had plans of having these huge “30th birthday bashes” and somewhere along the way I dropped the ball. LOL. I had every intention on planning a shindig but as ironic as it may seem, I feel like it crept up on me. Last time I checked, I had six months to plan and next thing I know it was two weeks before my birthday. Second one out the gate and I dropped the ball, sorry guys I’ll make sure to do a banging 31st…besides who do you know that has a 31st celebration!?!? EXACTLY.

Anyway, as thirty has so eloquently draped itself around me I am ever so ready to embrace it. I’m not one of those who profess to be twenty-five till the day they die. I was twenty-five when I was twenty-five, now I’m thirty! I’m not and never will be ashamed about my age because I would like to believe that with age comes wisdom and wisdom helps to refine the different limbs of your character. And contrary to what some may believe, thirty ain’t the new twenty…it’s the same ole refreshing thirty. Nuff said!

Just a few days ago I was wondering what I would miss most about my twenties and believe it or not, I really don’t remember much prior to the last five years. From eighteen to twenty-five a lot of those years are a blur. I know I accomplished a lot and was occupied with plenty, but it all still just runs together. For various reasons at age twenty-five is when I finally began to live. I finally begin to see things for what they are really were, how bad they really were and began the healing process to become the person I was initially intended to be. With all that happened last year, had I not made the mental and spiritual progress that I did, I might’ve crumbled. No, I KNOW, I would’ve crumbled but as always God is good.

Twenties, I bid you farewell with the utmost respect. It’s been real. It’s been a blast but I’m gone…the door has officially closed behind me. I am grateful to be alive and still on the road to fulfilling my purpose with the passion that’s bestowed upon me. LOL, did I just use “bestowed?” It’s entirely too late, so without further ado, Happy Birthday to me and welcome to my “durty thirties.” :) LET’S GET IT!

I’M JUST SAYIN…

©NEECHI/2010

HI, MY NAME IS ME AND I’M A JUDGER

Yes, I’m not afraid to admit that at times I can be very judgmental, especially with family. I have a slight margin for error and low tolerance for stupidity, only because when I was growing up the bar was set high and I had to aim to reach it. Mediocre wasn’t an option. So, now as everything under the sun gets a pass with the preference that “times have changed” being judgmental has become my best friend. The majority of the things I think or say I deem as the truth but since there are those that will beg to differ, to each their own. I’m a work in progress, so don’t judge me. Ain’t it funny how the things that people do to others they don’t want anyone to do to them? They nerve of us!

I used to pride myself on saying that I don’t pass judgment on others when in actuality I do. I’m more of a “conditional judgmental judger.” I may not say something about your circumstance but will definitely say something about the bogusness of your outfit. My theory is the truth is the truth regardless of who’s saying it. Anybody who may have gone to school with me during my high school years can attest to how “bogusness” outfitted me on a regular. I guess that’s why they say “to judge is to be judged” and to be quite honest I’m okay with that. I’d like to think that I take constructive and destructive criticism pretty well. I make adjustments when I feel convicted or deem necessary other than that it goes in one ear and out the other. THANK YOU THOUGH!!!!!

Now back to my judging. They say usually when you feel compelled to point out something in some one else, it’s usually something about yourself you see in them. But as it relates to a bogus outfit, a bogus outfit is just simply a bogus outfit! There’s no need to get deep and scriptural about the observation. It is what it is. I should know I was constantly a repeat offender. The fashion police had every right to lock me up and throw away the key but some kind of way I always bailed myself out. Then again who are the fashion police? And what made them the go to guru’s…them?!?! That’s a whole nother brain release (blog) in itself.

I’ve been on this confession kick for quite some time. I’m trying to highlight things that have continually blended in with the background of my being thus far. This weekend I found out some information that aroused EVERY emotion in me possible to the point where I didn’t want to talk, listen or understand anymore. I just wanted to go to sleep. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, helpless or can’t figure out how to fix something my first instinct is to go to sleep. Sleeping helps me to think. I can’t explain how or why it just does.

It was too much information at one time. It was surprise after surprise after surprise that left me completely speechless. My audible sounds couldn’t even formulate syllables to create words. I kept trying to end the conversation with the person that was telling me but couldn’t because they needed someone to vent to and some how I was the chosen one. When something doesn’t make sense to me, I shut down. If I feel like you’re the cause and problem I will develop a dislike for you and until you prove me wrong that feeling won’t change. As the person and I continued to talk about the situation and why it came out the way it did, my judgmental-ness kicked in hard. Then that person kindly blew the whistle on me and said “you remember that time when you…” Yeah, straight up gut pinch. Although my situation wasn’t as severe as this one but who’s really weighing sin?!?! All that judging that I was projecting forward was now boomeranging back and smacking me dead in the face. All I could say was “dang, you right…”

Although there’s a fine line between discernment and being judgmental, I feel as though I can differentiate enough between the two to not place blame where it don’t belong. I know when I’m judging. There’s no need in pretending like I’m not just to save face. I’m too old for that, only kids play pretend. I’m a grown woman there’s no need in playing games with myself. I mean…for what?!?! It’s my issue and I’m working on it but in the mean time…

I’M JUST SAYIN

©NEECHI/2010

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

Vivan Green said it best "I'm on a emotional roller coaster..." minus all the lovey dovey-ness. Sometimes I just want to scream. And to be quite honest I do! I’m usually a calm, cool, collected kid that’s easy going, likes to laugh and not showing much emotion as it relates to pressure. But these past six to seven months uncertainties have been spewing from every direction. I am certain of nothing yet uncertain of everything. It’s like I’m walking in a deep fog 24 hours of the day. I have no idea what’s in front of me and am solely relying on faith to not run into something or step into a sinking sand of a pot hole. I’ve tried to keep it all in and just role with the punches but I’m all punched out.

I read somewhere before that the only way to un-tangle your thoughts is to put them down on paper and as late that has become such a task. The one thing that I love to do is write but lately I just haven’t been interested. It’s almost like I haven’t been inspired to. I look around at where I am what I want and then ponder over what I don’t have. I know I’m not supposed to but that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I think about where I want to be, what I want to do (which is still iffy at times) but am not sure how to get there. The things that I was once sure of, I’m not so sure anymore. It’s almost like I’ve been down for so long that I’ve begun to doubt my own abilities. And again, I know that I shouldn’t but that doesn’t stop me from doing so. I have my ups and my downs. One day I’m fine, confident and ready to take on any and all challenges. Then the next day, I just want to sleep. Sounds like depression right?! Yeah, I said the same thing too but I don’t feel depressed. I consider it “not being inspired” or loss of inspiration.” I know that God’s timing is everything but I can’t help but to think about my age, all the things I have yet to accomplish and the things I have yet to do. I am very grateful and thankful for where I am and all the things I’ve accomplished but I’m just saying…

Perhaps, this is exactly what I needed to untangle some thoughts and free up some thinking space to help me get back on the right track. I’m not sure how long this deep fog will be in front of me but while I’m walking in it I want to learn whatever it is I need to learn so I won’t have to take this walk again. I know something major is on the horizon because this journey this far has been mentally taxing and draining to say the least. Throughout this journey I’ve learned a lot about myself and my tolerance for patience. You either exercise it and get through the situation with it or fight it and make the situation harder. Either way patience will become your best friend, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I’m still a mess in progress but with each letter I type or write I’m sorting through it all.

Again, I’M JUST SAYIN…

©NEECHI/2010